From Cordwainer Smith’s “The Ballad of Lost C’Mell” to the Pern series to Alan Dean Foster’s Taken trilogy, animals gifted with genetically-enhanced intelligence have been, and still are, a popular science fiction trope. But aside from getting Timmy out of the well a whole heck of a lot faster, what are the real-world implications of teaching Lassie to talk? Would cats’ natural curiosity lead to all our embarrassing secrets being exposed on Fluffy’s Twitter feed? Would Seaworld still be so popular if we had to jump through burning hoops for Flipper’s amusement?
Hmmm, maybe we ought to save some of that intelligence enhancement technology for our own species. I think we’re gonna need it.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY UPLIFTED ANIMALS DON’T MAKE GOOD PETS
10. Your budgie demands repeated viewings of Howard the Duck.
9. Your tabby is arrested for selling catnip blunts.
8. Your poodle snidely comments, “Bitch, please,” during episodes of It’s Me or The Dog.
7. Your salamander wants a quiet word with you about your alligator shoes.
6. Pet Court
5. Polly wants a cracker. And a Ferrari.
4. No matter how much you pound on the bathroom door, your ferret still won’t curtail her grooming regimen.
3. You have to teach the bunnies family planning.
2. The dog has seen you naked. And he doesn’t like what he sees.
And finally…
1. The dog has seen you naked. And he likes what he sees.
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Great article
Additional Bad:
15) We already have these. They are called teenagers.
14) Trying to have a conversation with a cat while it licks its nether regions
13) Ruh Roh! Rupreme Rourt battle over teaching dogbonics in rublic rassrooms.
12) Rabbits get hold of Viagra.
11) Instead of birdsong, you wake to the sound of hundreds of birds arguing with each other, or yelling things like “All you chicks, check out my plumage, you know I’ll love you right! Come get your sweet tweet treat, baby! Who’s your chicky-daddy? I am!”
But it wouldn’t be all bad. There could be some good as well, like:
5) LOL Cats sue over defamation of character and public humiliation.
4) Cows, chickens and pigs share their thoughts on food. “Hamburger helper? How do you help hamburger? If I’m hamburger, I’m already way past help lady! Seriously!”
3) The fact that animals themselves start explaining that homosexuality exists in animal and bird species makes the myth that it is “unnatural” more difficult to maintain.
2) “What is it Lassie? Is Timmy stuck in a well?” “No, you idiot. Your taxes are due today. Tell you what, you go to work and I’ll get them done while you are gone.”
1) The intelligence retrovirus jumps the species barrier to humans, resulting in plummeting reality television and Fox News ratings concurrent with increased education rankings and a wave of green technology innovation. Ironically, however, proper use of the word ironic is still problematic.
I think the Cat Victory story is a likely outcome of genetically enhanced intelligence in animals. Not the apocalyptic background, but the creation of those animals to be used as soldiers, slaves, servants. Our pets are our slaves, despite how awful it sounds. They are pampered, loved and well cared for, but they are not free to leave. Even when they are free to leave, we have created a learned captivity behavior in them, so they don’t leave.
I don’t say its bad. I am not one of those over the top PETA folk. I am saying that if we converted them into a more intelligent and interactive being, they would likely still be in the position of pet/food/slave.
I hope we never go down the road.
1) Accidental uplift occurs to non-pet species. Cockroaches still eat your food, but now after preparing nutritionally balanced meals.
I think that last one, Your dog sees you naked, and LIKES what he sees, is the clincher. Most people would be terrified of that one.
But you did leave out the inevitable (Yours Truly’s work, such as it is):
The shop owner laughed, delightedly. “Well I never … I always hoped she’d find someone suitable. You could be my cousins, soon enough. I’ll throw this mini-supercomputer in at no extra cost, just to keep Stanislawski Lemming and Radiant Blossom happy. And when they mate, if you find you have too many lemmings, give them back to us, please?”
“What do you do with them? Drown them?”
She drew herself up, eyes flashing indignantly. “Certainly not, Mr Horton! The lemmings are the finest minds our company has ever produced. We get them working on our tax returns!”