No one can deny that the Apollo program of the early 1970s was an embarrassment to our nation: ill-conceived, hostile, and audacious.

Not only did the astronauts fail to bring back the severed head of the Moon King, but every one of them fled within hours of having landed, urinating in their suits as they retreated. The assault on the lunar surface stopped short at the planting of a stiff and garish flag.

And, really, what more could be expected from a soft-bellied nation, fattened on a wealth of oxygen and troughs of soil-grown food? Consider, after all, the mind-boggling distances, the confounding intricacies of orbits and trajectories. Consider the inadequacies of our alloys and plastics, the cramped quarters of our attack ships, the appalling oversights that left every one of the aggressors weaponless. Consider, finally, the pristine surface of the Moon itself, so free of the green wastes our primitive bodies depend upon. It’s a marvel we got as far as we did.

It speaks to our credit that we never attempted to raid that magnificent orb again. Nevertheless, if we are to learn from our mistakes, they must shape us. Having disinterred the bodies of the astronauts and ground their bones over the sewer grates, having scrubbed their dishonored names from our history, we washed our hands and turned our attention to the glorious future. But a great nation cannot ignore its past.

Therefore, on this sober centennial of the Apollo fiasco, we repent the footprints we left there. We regret the insult and the arrogance. We apologize, profoundly, for having inconvenienced the Moon King, who until then had shown us the respect of leaving us in peace.

We thank Him for his liberating fleets. We thank Him for the cleansing regolith which cured our population troubles so mercifully. We thank Him for the order He imposed.

And finally, we, all of us, reject and refute the spurious and vicious lies put forth by the rebels. We vow to expose them, to denounce, hound, and castigate them until their stain on the honor of the Moon has been erased.