Dear Members of the Community,

As we begin yet another fall semester in the throes of the rogue timestream unleashed on our campus, I cannot help but take a moment to marvel at just how vibrant our community has become. In addition to our current residents, our University’s campus grounds and buildings have come to support thousands of students, staff, affiliates, and visitors from past, future, as well as alternate Universities. While we hail from a variety of eras and societal norms, we nevertheless all share a desire to host community events and gatherings. Indeed, such gatherings have become the lifeblood of the University since the (or due to the future) events of the Spring of 2045.

As affirmed upon my uncontested appointment to Presidency of the University, I wholeheartedly embrace the freedom of all community members to protest and dissent against the University’s actions throughout all of history—even that of students originating from timelines governed by much more restrictive regimes than ours. However, such freedom cannot be limitless. In particular, it cannot be permitted to go on in such a manner that obstructs the University’s continuing mission.

To that end, with the authority newly bestowed on me, I have amended the University’s rules on the use of campus spaces. Let me highlight, for the particular benefit of those encamped on the University’s quad, the following:

1. Community members must produce a valid University ID when asked by University administrators or police. Reminder that University IDs are valid for four years. Timestream fluctuations shall not preclude police from evicting protestors carrying IDs expired according to officers’ local time-keeping devices.

2. Those entering the nexus of the timestream, currently located near the founder’s statue on the quad, will be subjected to digital recordings (or equivalent technology according to the current era of the nexus). Face coverings may not be used to obfuscate drones. Participants diverting said drones to President’s office will be held accountable for their actions.

3. Classes of 2049 and beyond will find an Agreement to Peaceful On-Campus Residency has been grandfathered into their application materials. Your continued presence on campus implies past signing of the agreement. Students are advised that failure to abide by terms of said agreement will create a time paradox, the most vicious manifestation of which may lead to not only the undoing of their matriculation into the University but their very birth itself.

4. Degrees will continue to be withheld from the Class of 2048 until the spectral fragments of Professor [——] scattered across space and time are returned to April 24^th, 2045 for reassembly. Professor [——] will teach the tokamak module of the Quantum Engineering seminar of Spring 2045, reinstating the events leading to the construction of the tachyon-accelerator as funded by the Department of Defense’s Timeline Control Initiative. The instigator who pushed Professor [——] into the nascent timestream being conducted through the toroid structure, tearing him and his memory asunder across spacetime, will be brought to justice.

5. Appearances of the above-mentioned instigator must be immediately reported to University administrators regardless of space and time. Community members are reminded that all past, future, and alternate versions of said instigator have been placed on involuntary leave from the University and are no longer subject to the same protections as our students. Community members are warned not to believe in the instigator’s lies, including but not limited to:

a. The statement that millions, if not billions of lives would have been annihilated as a result of Professor [——]’s collaboration with the Department of Defense.

b. The insistence that the instigator could not have foreseen that the undoing of the accelerator’s invention would fail to undo the timestream once contained within, leading to its subsequent flooding of campus.

c. The inane belief that conducting the flow of the timestream off the quad into uncontaminated dorms and lecture halls, and eventually off-campus is our only hope of democratizing timeline manipulation technology.

Those found to be colluding with the instigator will be similarly stripped of all protections and prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Community members are instead encouraged to keep Professor [——]’s memory alive by remembering the hundreds of students he mentored (of which the instigator was the sole blight), the millions of dollars of grant funding and most of all the renown he brought to the University upon the award of his Nobel Prize in Physics in 2045 (lost to the timestream along with his very name).

6. On that note, the University remains committed to restoring the original events of 2045, up to and including the dissolution of the Spring 2045 encampment on the quad.

7. Demonstrations, rallies and protests may not last more than 60×10²⁴ chronons, the time period corresponding to the shortest-observed fluctuation of the timestream, in order to minimize the risk of cross-dimensional reinforcement loops. The University continues to condemn in particular the time-loop responsible for the abhorrent contortion of the face of the founder’s statue as well as the University crest into the agonized screams of those “murdered” by the actions of the University across centuries. Remember, just as you have your freedom to protest, your colleagues have the freedom to let your protestations pass into forgetfulness in a timely manner.

8. Said demonstrations, rallies, and protests must not interfere with reading periods for exams.

9. Coordination between alternate, past, and current protestors is strictly prohibited. You may not compare the University’s current actions to its past use of enslaved persons for construction, its employment of armed security to suppress demonstrations deemed disruptive to society, nor its investment in regimes which have engaged in violence deemed appropriate for their eras, as judged by the University Committee on Shareholder Responsibility.

10. The keystone events initiating the dissolution of the Spring 2045 encampment on the quad may not be mentioned. The ones who perished in the fiery glory of our academic mission, with freedom on their breaths, shall not be named.

They shall not be named.

Their ashes shall be trodden into the greenery by students cutting across the quad, on their way to a reality where they can focus solely on their studies, unquestioned and undisturbed.

Thank you for familiarizing yourself with this information. For those who have abided by the above, partial amnesty is still available. In return for purging your past, present, future, and alternate selves of involvement with the time stream, I will facilitate your meeting with a secretary of a subchair of the University Committee on Shareholder Responsibility to discuss your perspectives. Please note that important, confidential matters concerning the investment of the University’s multi-billion-dollar endowment and support of our most prominent faculty will be neither disclosed nor modified as a result of such meetings.

Acquiescing to hearing out your grievances is the least we can do.

Sincerely,

President of the University
Its Pasts, Presents, and Futures