Welcome to my seminar, Self-Care Secrets for Immortals! Few foxes make it to over nine hundred years old in this day and age, but you’ll be one of them with four of my time-tested, battle-honed secrets.

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1.) DO steal skincare products.

Forget “thou shalt not steal.” Steal to your heart’s content. Humans exchange pieces of paper, metal, and plastic for goods, so unless you prefer backbreaking hard labor, steal. Pro tip: the first and most important items to acquire are skincare products.

Shapeshifting magic does NOT give you clear skin by default, which many now-deceased foxes have learned the hard way. As I refused to be chased out of town by humans for bad acne, I applied this tip to secure a position in the royal court. I convinced the daughter of the Jade Emperor that I was the daughter of a no-name warlord because of my dazzling beauty, all thanks to my flawless complexion (thanks, stolen moisturizer and toner!).

Sleight of hand skills also impress everyone from commoners to royalty. During my time at court, I would swipe necklaces and bracelets that the princess was wearing without her noticing, raising my credibility at court. I gained her trust as a confidante, and she would tell me all the palace gossip and the latest advancements in royal beauty products.

You will gain the ability to modify memories on your one-hundredth birthday. Put those new powers to work! I made all the lords and ladies believe they were late to a nonexistent masked ball. While everyone scrambled to put together last-minute outfits, the Jade Emperor’s famed crown, jewels, and (most importantly) elixirs for clogged pores were mine for the taking. I then made off with the treasures in a two-person carriage, escaping the golden-roofed imperial compound into the capital.

2.) DON’T get too close to humans.

Do not, and I repeat, absolutely do NOT talk to humans unless necessary. This novice mistake was why I failed to escape the capital with my treasures. The more you talk to humans, the more chances you give them to figure out there is an imposter in their midst. If a human discovers the truth, she will either A.) kill you, or B.) befriend you. Choice A appears more dangerous at first glance, but B is the more insidious one. You might get attached.

Attachments to humans will only hurt you in the end. A princess you had befriended could appear in front of the city gates. She could beg you to help her escape an arranged marriage and royal duties. In your weakness, you might agree. Because there isn’t enough room in your carriage, you smuggle her instead of the heavy trunk full of priceless treasures.

If you fall prey to weakness (as is only natural with dignified princesses), do not take her to your hideout in the forest. Fifty years could pass. Fifty years, I may note, are a blink of an eye for you and a lifetime for her. Don’t be fooled by beauty or poetry-writing prowess. Think about how in mere decades she will break you by leaving and how you will become the evil forest witch that mothers everywhere warn about. Your skincare routine will falter as you mope, leaving you with nothing but poetry gathering dust on the shelf and dry skin—the worst tragedy of them all.

3.) DON’T be tricked by other foxes.

More dangerous than humans are other foxes. Do not talk to the foxes who visit you, especially ones peddling goods or services. Traveling salespeople are the most dangerous type of fox because they have mastered the art of skincare, fashion, and conversation techniques.

As you would expect, only foxes over one thousand years old are powerful enough to take up this vocation. Some of them will try convincing you that they can raise the dead. Do NOT listen to them. Absolutely do not turn over the years of poetry as payment for raising the dead, as those crumbling, yellowing pages are the last remnants of the human who did the unforgivable to you.

If you slip up and let them rip the books into shreds for their spells, do not let the other fox sneer upon facing a paper-scrap puppet given a familiar face. The puppet with a princess’s nose will open its mouth, and it will laugh and jeer with the voice of the fake necromancer. To secure victory against the enemy, simply cast one of the fire spells from my Advanced Self-Defense for Foxes seminar (and enjoy an extra ten percent discount with the coupon code ADVANCED10).

4.) DO annual spring cleaning.

One ritual a certain human princess (who was, despite her flaws, well aware of the utmost importance of self-care) taught me was annual spring cleaning. There was a time when I had not done spring cleaning in centuries, but between the smell of smoke and the bloodstained sheepskin rug, I had no choice but to bring it back.

Sometimes you will discover the unexpected during spring cleaning. For example, you could discover a page of haikus under the rug, the only page to survive intact. Don’t panic. Instead, take it to the garden. You have a few options, but I suggest burying it next to the blank rock above where she lies.

Another fact you could discover is that you no longer want to live in your newly clean home. This is normal, and listening to that voice in your head is part of self-care. Set your old home on fire using the spells from Advanced Self-Defense for Foxes.

Despite how you leave the forest with blackheads and acne galore, there will come a time when your face will be flawless again, even though you may not think it possible. Take your skincare one day at a time. Take everything one day at a time. I promise that if you put the four secrets from this class into practice every day, you will someday relearn the joy of escaping from humans rightfully accusing you of shoplifting concealer and designer stilettos.

Someday, you could also be teaching seminars in a convention center that was once the imperial compound. You might bump into an aspiring poet. Despite your reservations, strike up a conversation and grab coffee with her—not getting too close to humans doesn’t mean you can’t be casual acquaintances or yoga buddies. Think of it as spring cleaning for the soul: cutting ties with toxic necromancers and kindling new ones with unexpected sources of happiness.

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Keep these four secrets in mind, and you will live as long and as happily as I have. I will be hosting another seminar here at the Imperial Convention Center for my one thousandth birthday party next year—see you at Letting Go of Grudges for Immortals!